What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
