M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
