Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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