First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
