And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
