WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
