Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
