I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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