I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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