im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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