I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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