I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
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