He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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