I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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