i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Someone came in the potted fern
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
