My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
