Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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