i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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