dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
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I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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