my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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