I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
