At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
