When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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