We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
