There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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