You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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