His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
