Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
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I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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