If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
