He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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