life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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