How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
