hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
