did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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