i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My bed smells like the plague
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
