just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
