Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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