No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
