i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
