I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Randomize
