My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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