i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
