i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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