If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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