Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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