There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
