Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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