god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
