I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
