I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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