It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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