my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
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Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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