The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
