And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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