guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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