no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
