I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm jealous of your bromance
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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