i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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