Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
